First things first. I thrive on attention. Some of you may or may not know I write stories and post them in an online community. When I do that I get hundreds of comments every time I write something telling me I'm cool. I am finding this blog rather unfulfilling when you don't leave comments.
I have now only eaten things that are grown, for 17 days. Sometimes the idea of eating another bite of a carrot just seems like too much, but I keep going. One or two nights I dreamed about food. Oh I did finally break down and have a Starbucks, but if you know me - 2 in 2.5 weeks is really pretty good.
So last Friday my friend Megan invited me to go out for her birthday. Megan is 25 and skinny and pretty, and I pretty much hate her except for the fact that she's nice and good at her job. At her party there were a bunch of other pretty younger skinny girls that its ok for me to go ahead and hate, because I don't know them. Actually, I must really like Megan, because I went out to dinner with a bunch of skinny people who got eat cheese while I only ate things that grow. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was strong enough, but I was wrong.
So everyone was there eating cheese and having a glorious time in their skinny little dresses. They were ordering drinks. I don't really like beer, but suddenly I was like - everything in beer is grown! So for no reason except that I could, I ordered a beer. So I'm sitting there drinking beer and pretending not to gag with every sip, when the waiter takes our orders.
Girl I hate #1: Crabcakes
Girl I hate #2: Southwest Wrap
Girl I hate #3: Cheeseburger
Girl I hate #4: Salmon (this usually doesn't sound good to me, but after 2 weeks of black beans being the most delicious food I'd eaten...)
Other girls I hate: Yummy food that has meat or cheese or bread.
Stacey: Greek Salad with no Feta.... blech
The Greek Salad had lentils on it. Is it me or is that just weird?
Anyway dinner went on, and it was fun enough. I pretended to be enjoying myself and like I liked the skinny girls, but under the table my leg was shaking and I was holding my napkin so tight that my fingernails dug into my palms and I started to bleed.
As I felt my heart rate increase my senses became acutely aware. I could smell the Monterrey Jack slightly melted on top of one girl's Angus beef patty with a whole wheat bun. My taste buds came alive and a small trickle of drool slid out the corner of my mouth dripping onto my chest.
Maybe I was drunk. Maybe the beer interacted with the black beans in my stomach causing a chemical reaction, but before I knew what was happening, I launched myself toward the cheeseburger. Plates, glasses, and crab cakes went flying in every direction as the skinny girls let out a synchronized screech. As I slid to a halt, half on the table half off, and grabbed the cheeseburger out of her hand mid bite, stuffing it into my mouth. I was chewing and swallowing and stuffing simultaneously, determined to get in all the cheese before anyone pulled it away from me.
I reached over for Megan's chocolate martini washing the last bit of ketchup and pickle down and then let out a belch that would have made my daddy proud.
"Stacey! What are you doing?!?!" Megan shrieked.
"I. LOVE. CHEESE," I moaned and slowly raised myself up on all fours still on top of the table. I crawled down it stopping at the various plates to taste the delecasies I had been depriving myself of. Chicken. French fries. Broccoli. Ew broccoli. I spit it out, and it landed right on the cheek of a skinny girl. Good. She deserved it. I continued until I got to the end of the table, and there waiting for me was the culmination of the most glorious meal I'd ever eaten. CHEESECAKE. Just as I picked it up with my bare hands to chomp down, I heard...
"FREEZE IT'S THE POLICE. PUT DOWN THE CHEESE."
I slowly lowered the dessert and stood. The jig was up. I looked at the skinny girls who I hated and said defiantly as the officer cuffed me, "If loving cheese is wrong, I don't want to be right."
Please note: Parts of the story have been changed for dramatic effect.
I've lost 12 pounds.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
It Sucks Eating Vegetables
Drastic times call for drastic measures. While I'm waiting for a neon sign to tell me what to do about trying to have that surgery, I'm trying something drastic.
Back to what I'm doing. Last week my church announced a church wide fast. They suggested doing a Daniel Fast - this is a fast based on the book of Daniel where Daniel and fiery furnace dudes were kidnapped cause they were so hot and smart. They were put to work for the King and instead of eating steak and potatoes, they requested to only eat veggies.
If you would like to know more about the Bible, don't hesitate to ask :)
My interpretation of the Daniel Fast is to only eat grown things. Now usually when I'm told I'm supposed to fast, I'm like HA! If you told me a few months ago I had to give up Starbucks Americanos for more than a day, I would have fallen down and died on the spot. But after all this stuff happening, when I heard about this I realized I needed something to help me get my life back on track.
My relationship with food is an addiction that controls me. I'm tired of it controlling me. I'm tired of the chips and queso whispering, "Eat Me" every time I go out to eat. I'm tired of shoving food into my mouth so fast that half of it falls on my shirt and my friends laugh at me. I'm tired of spending so much money on food and being broke at the end of each pay period when I make plenty.
So I'm hoping that a week of eating only things I don't really like or want that much will teach me that I can say no to the cheese and junk food and the breakfast sandwich that seems so much easier than eating something at home in the mornings.
It's been a week now. I have not eaten anything not grown - except for communion - I hope God gives me a pass on that one. What a conundrum!
It's been hard. But not that hard. I'm alive. I did start twitching and had to hold myself down in the chair on the night my sister ordered pizza and ate it in front of me. It was disappointing to turn down 2 invitations to go out, but I wasn't sure I could survive going out to eat and watching everyone else eat good stuff while I had broccoli. Other than that though it has not drastically ruined my life not eat what ever I have the urge to stick in my mouth. Let us remember this lesson in the coming months.
Tasty Food does not equal happiness.
WAIT! I just had a brilliant idea! I like to write. I'm a comedic genius! I've got over 20 people reading this blog! A PUBLISHING COMPANY SHOULD SPONSOR MY SURGERY, and I can write a book about it and use any extra money it makes to go to Africa and help little babies!!!! OK - which of you 20 or so people can make that happen! Willy!!
Back to what I'm doing. Last week my church announced a church wide fast. They suggested doing a Daniel Fast - this is a fast based on the book of Daniel where Daniel and fiery furnace dudes were kidnapped cause they were so hot and smart. They were put to work for the King and instead of eating steak and potatoes, they requested to only eat veggies.
If you would like to know more about the Bible, don't hesitate to ask :)
My interpretation of the Daniel Fast is to only eat grown things. Now usually when I'm told I'm supposed to fast, I'm like HA! If you told me a few months ago I had to give up Starbucks Americanos for more than a day, I would have fallen down and died on the spot. But after all this stuff happening, when I heard about this I realized I needed something to help me get my life back on track.
My relationship with food is an addiction that controls me. I'm tired of it controlling me. I'm tired of the chips and queso whispering, "Eat Me" every time I go out to eat. I'm tired of shoving food into my mouth so fast that half of it falls on my shirt and my friends laugh at me. I'm tired of spending so much money on food and being broke at the end of each pay period when I make plenty.
So I'm hoping that a week of eating only things I don't really like or want that much will teach me that I can say no to the cheese and junk food and the breakfast sandwich that seems so much easier than eating something at home in the mornings.
It's been a week now. I have not eaten anything not grown - except for communion - I hope God gives me a pass on that one. What a conundrum!
It's been hard. But not that hard. I'm alive. I did start twitching and had to hold myself down in the chair on the night my sister ordered pizza and ate it in front of me. It was disappointing to turn down 2 invitations to go out, but I wasn't sure I could survive going out to eat and watching everyone else eat good stuff while I had broccoli. Other than that though it has not drastically ruined my life not eat what ever I have the urge to stick in my mouth. Let us remember this lesson in the coming months.
Tasty Food does not equal happiness.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Impulse Control
One thing I have always had a problem with is thinking caring about the future. I don't mean when I grow up or retirement. Well actually I never opened a 401K, so yes that too. One time my mentorish person told me that she was more of a Buddhist and liked to live in the moment. I'm sorry Jesus! I never meant to be a Buddhist, but I find myself always living in the moment.
Some examples of how I've lived in the moment:
(Andrea, I will accept your written apology.)
This brings me to the topic of impulse control. I spend hours every week working on teaching littlehellions clients to control their impulses. I tell them to "stop and think" when they have the impulse to do something that will get them into trouble. We talk about not letting your impulses control you.
I have a lot of impulses to eat cheese.
When I have the impulse to eat something bad for me, I need to stop and think. How will this affect me in the future. Then hard part is that I need to try really hard to care.
I need to make changes in my life, and one thing I see (not like its a new revelation) is that food controls me. I think about it all day long. I'm happier when I'm eating or especially if I'm out to eat with friends. Everything I do seems to center around food, and yet I'm not supposed to eat a lot of it or eat what tastes good. Well I tell kids not to let their impulses control them, and I'm tired of food controlling me. I want it not to matter so much to me. How do I change the entire way my mind works though?
All I can do is try.
Some examples of how I've lived in the moment:
- Oh I can put this on a credit card and worry about it later.
- Someday I will cancel the Chaz Dean hair products that are automatically shipped to me and debited from my account, but I don't even really like it. I was in the moment when I ordered off an infomercial, and I'm too busy in every other moment to bother with canceling it.
- My desk at school is really messy, but I'll save that for another moment to clean it up.
- I can eat this now. I'll eat better (lose weight, diet, pay for it for years to come) later.
(Andrea, I will accept your written apology.)
This brings me to the topic of impulse control. I spend hours every week working on teaching little
I have a lot of impulses to eat cheese.
When I have the impulse to eat something bad for me, I need to stop and think. How will this affect me in the future. Then hard part is that I need to try really hard to care.
I need to make changes in my life, and one thing I see (not like its a new revelation) is that food controls me. I think about it all day long. I'm happier when I'm eating or especially if I'm out to eat with friends. Everything I do seems to center around food, and yet I'm not supposed to eat a lot of it or eat what tastes good. Well I tell kids not to let their impulses control them, and I'm tired of food controlling me. I want it not to matter so much to me. How do I change the entire way my mind works though?
All I can do is try.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It Sucks Being Fat and Having Bad Insurance
Earlier this year I decided to pursue having gastric banding surgery. So far I have gone to an informational meeting, 2 regular doctor's appointments, a surgical consult, a cardiologist, and for a sleep study. This was a lot of stuff.
I just got the news that my insurance will only cover only about 1/4 of the cost of the surgery. After crying and whining and telling Andrea I'm mad at myself and the whole world for making me be fat I am resigned.
Wait - let me be mad a little bit more.
1. I'm mad at society for saying I'm not good enough.
2. I'm mad at my parents for overfeeding me and not putting their fat kid in sports.
3. I'm mad at my sister for ordering pizza all the time.
4. I'm mad at most of my friends for not coming over to make me work out.
5. I'm mad at Andrea for making me feel guilty before when I was losing weight faster than her.
6. I'm mad at American Airlines for making their seats too small and for making me ask for a seatbelt extension twice on one flight because the stewardess forgot. It was bad enough the first time.
7. I'm mad at him. Best not to elaborate here.
8. I'm mad at God because he could fix me and he isn't and because he let me get like this in the first place.
9. I'm mad at my dog for pulling on the leash so much when I try to walk him.
10. I'm mad at McDonalds for being across the parkinglot from my work.
11. I'm mad at the barista at Starbucks who always used to give me skim milk even though I didn't order it.
12. I'm mad my mom cause she never finished cleaning my room when I earned it and because she took my sister to Disneyworld for being depressed and I've been depressed for years.
13. I'm mad at every restaurant ive ever gone to for having high calorie foods that taste good.
14. I'm mad at my Granny for buying me a tiny little trampoline to exercise with in my room and not a big cool one for the back yard.
15. I'm mad at Six Flags because I couldnt fit on some of the rides.
16. I'm mad at carrotts for tasting so blah.
17. I'm mad at chicken for having to be thawed and cooked when it's much easier to run to Arbys.
18. I'm mad the pastors at my church that I went to when I was 19 because they wouldn't take me seriously because I was fat and they automatically liked Jamie Cook.
19. I'm mad at everyone who thinks I can just stop eating and start exercising.
20. I'm mad at John Pugh who told me that it was good I was fat because being fat made me not die when I got shot.
21. I'm mad at bathtubs because it is not that fun to take a bath when you're fat but it sounds nice.
22. I am mad at the seatbelt in my car because it is uncomfortable if I am wearing a coat because I am fat.
23. I am mad at my arms for being so huge that I can't wear tank tops.
24. I am mad at Daphne for saying that fat people can't save money because they have no impulse control. I'm even madder at Daphne, because I can't save money and I'm fat.
25. I'm mad at every person who ever made fun of me for being fat and that is a lot of people.
26. I am mad at Old Navy because their plus size pants fit really weird.
27. I am mad at my eyelids. I'm already fat. Do you have to give me problems too?
28. I'm mad at every person in the world that weighs less than 200 pounds.
29. I'm mad at most people that weigh more than 200 pounds.
30. I'm mad at myslef. I'm a hundred times more mad at myself then I am at anyone else.
OK Now I'm resigned.
Sorry for possibly offending every person I've ever met.
I just got the news that my insurance will only cover only about 1/4 of the cost of the surgery. After crying and whining and telling Andrea I'm mad at myself and the whole world for making me be fat I am resigned.
Wait - let me be mad a little bit more.
1. I'm mad at society for saying I'm not good enough.
2. I'm mad at my parents for overfeeding me and not putting their fat kid in sports.
3. I'm mad at my sister for ordering pizza all the time.
4. I'm mad at most of my friends for not coming over to make me work out.
5. I'm mad at Andrea for making me feel guilty before when I was losing weight faster than her.
6. I'm mad at American Airlines for making their seats too small and for making me ask for a seatbelt extension twice on one flight because the stewardess forgot. It was bad enough the first time.
7. I'm mad at him. Best not to elaborate here.
8. I'm mad at God because he could fix me and he isn't and because he let me get like this in the first place.
9. I'm mad at my dog for pulling on the leash so much when I try to walk him.
10. I'm mad at McDonalds for being across the parkinglot from my work.
11. I'm mad at the barista at Starbucks who always used to give me skim milk even though I didn't order it.
12. I'm mad my mom cause she never finished cleaning my room when I earned it and because she took my sister to Disneyworld for being depressed and I've been depressed for years.
13. I'm mad at every restaurant ive ever gone to for having high calorie foods that taste good.
14. I'm mad at my Granny for buying me a tiny little trampoline to exercise with in my room and not a big cool one for the back yard.
15. I'm mad at Six Flags because I couldnt fit on some of the rides.
16. I'm mad at carrotts for tasting so blah.
17. I'm mad at chicken for having to be thawed and cooked when it's much easier to run to Arbys.
18. I'm mad the pastors at my church that I went to when I was 19 because they wouldn't take me seriously because I was fat and they automatically liked Jamie Cook.
19. I'm mad at everyone who thinks I can just stop eating and start exercising.
20. I'm mad at John Pugh who told me that it was good I was fat because being fat made me not die when I got shot.
21. I'm mad at bathtubs because it is not that fun to take a bath when you're fat but it sounds nice.
22. I am mad at the seatbelt in my car because it is uncomfortable if I am wearing a coat because I am fat.
23. I am mad at my arms for being so huge that I can't wear tank tops.
24. I am mad at Daphne for saying that fat people can't save money because they have no impulse control. I'm even madder at Daphne, because I can't save money and I'm fat.
25. I'm mad at every person who ever made fun of me for being fat and that is a lot of people.
26. I am mad at Old Navy because their plus size pants fit really weird.
27. I am mad at my eyelids. I'm already fat. Do you have to give me problems too?
28. I'm mad at every person in the world that weighs less than 200 pounds.
29. I'm mad at most people that weigh more than 200 pounds.
30. I'm mad at myslef. I'm a hundred times more mad at myself then I am at anyone else.
OK Now I'm resigned.
Sorry for possibly offending every person I've ever met.
Friday, January 1, 2010
It Really Sucks Being Fat
If you're skinny you have no idea what I'm talking about. If you're skinny but you think you're fat you might think you know what I'm talking about, but you have no idea. Here's a secret: fat people find it annoying when skinny people complain about being fat.
I want to make this funny so I won't depress you and tell you all the ways it sucks to be fat, but trust me it really really sucks. Every time I didn't get a job or felt like I wasn't taken seriously I had to wonder if it was because I'm fat. I was good enough to be great friends with lots of guys, but the ones that ask me out have mainly been bi polar, homeless, on welfare, or many years older than I. There was that one man who lived in the public housing project I worked in. He was friendly enough. Too bad he always answered his door naked, because he could have been a keeper. Basically I feel like I have had to work 10 times as hard as everyone else to prove that I'm an ok person. Do you believe me yet? Maybe I'm still trying to convince myself.
It sucks to be fat for a lot of reasons. Here are my top 10:
7. You might not realize this, but fat floats. This is both good and bad. I can't really swim underwater, which is frustrating when swimming for fun. This could be a good thing though if I ever fall off a boat in the middle of the ocean. Treading water is pretty easy for me.
6. Teeter totters have always posed a problem.
5. I have rolls. Warm moist places breed rashes. I won't gross you out with the details.
I want to make this funny so I won't depress you and tell you all the ways it sucks to be fat, but trust me it really really sucks. Every time I didn't get a job or felt like I wasn't taken seriously I had to wonder if it was because I'm fat. I was good enough to be great friends with lots of guys, but the ones that ask me out have mainly been bi polar, homeless, on welfare, or many years older than I. There was that one man who lived in the public housing project I worked in. He was friendly enough. Too bad he always answered his door naked, because he could have been a keeper. Basically I feel like I have had to work 10 times as hard as everyone else to prove that I'm an ok person. Do you believe me yet? Maybe I'm still trying to convince myself.
It sucks to be fat for a lot of reasons. Here are my top 10:
10. I work with little kids, and I'm really really tired of them asking me if I'm pregnant, or saying I have big muscles when I really just have really fat arms, or grabbing some part of me, making it jiggle, and laughing.
9. It's really embarrassing when you go to a friend's house or your boss's house and the chair you are sitting in breaks. A weaker person might have run out the door crying. I took the high road and blamed the chair.
9. It's really embarrassing when you go to a friend's house or your boss's house and the chair you are sitting in breaks. A weaker person might have run out the door crying. I took the high road and blamed the chair.
8. I can't wrap a towel all the way around my body. I think this has been a bigger problem for roommates, those who lived in my college dorm, and my family than it has been for me. I didn't have to see my big rear hanging out as long as I avoided the mirror.
7. You might not realize this, but fat floats. This is both good and bad. I can't really swim underwater, which is frustrating when swimming for fun. This could be a good thing though if I ever fall off a boat in the middle of the ocean. Treading water is pretty easy for me.
6. Teeter totters have always posed a problem.
5. I have rolls. Warm moist places breed rashes. I won't gross you out with the details.
4. I like to travel, but traveling becomes less enjoyable when you have to ask the stewardess for more seat belt. One time I stole a seat belt extension from delta so I wouldn't have to ask again on my connecting flight. Joke was on me. They had a different kind of seat belt on the new plane. I began a life of crime and still had to ask for one.
3. I get terrible gas mileage.
2. I almost always lose at hide and seek.
1. I can only buy poorly made clothes that cost a lot of money cause they are all that fit. I wear sweaters in the summer to hide my arm cleavage. Yes I have arm cleavage. One size might fit all but never me.
So there are a lot of reasons being fat sucks. It sucks so much that I think I'm going to have surgery to try and be thin. This makes me sad. I hate that it has come to this. I'm starting this blog as a way to help myself cope. To make it funner. Cause as much as being fat sucks, what if not being fat sucks just as much?
So there are a lot of reasons being fat sucks. It sucks so much that I think I'm going to have surgery to try and be thin. This makes me sad. I hate that it has come to this. I'm starting this blog as a way to help myself cope. To make it funner. Cause as much as being fat sucks, what if not being fat sucks just as much?
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